I know I started this blog with the intention of being weirdly and deeply personal here but my better judgement tells me I should keep somethings to myself. I still feel the urge to send these thoughts out into the void so they're no longer my problem and in the past I've found it helpful to do so, maybe it will help me again.
I've been really feeling the isolation that comes from being neurodivergent lately. I do not have any formal diagnosis though I heavily suspect I'm on the autism spectrum. All my life I've just been excepted to 'figure it out' on my own which means mask like my life depends on it because it does, as a result I'm low needs though I do have my quirks. My isolation stems from the fact that I've had to learn the neurotypical social rules and by learning how to perform and fit in it just makes everything feel so performative and fake to me. Like I'm paranoid that nobody actually likes me they're just obligated to be social with me, that people talk badly about me to others behind my back and gossip because everybody does that it's just to be expected. I know how the game is played and I wish I wasn't so aware of it.
Maybe I'm just so used to working in retail where it's catty and dramatic all the time and since I've been there long enough and scheduled to be there way too fucking much people have finally caught on that I do like talking to people I just do not go out of my way to do so. I literally do not talk unless I'm spoken to first or have something to say, I'm very much there for a paycheck first and foremost. Socializing is a bonus, I can do that in the comfort of my own home with [my headmate], call my mom, or be a wallflower online. I'm very low maintenance when it comes to needing socializing.
I've been thinking about how to deal with this and the obvious solution to me is just stop being talkative at work. Unfortunately I'm too big of a softie to tell people to shut up and leave me alone. I also think it's a heavy handed way of dealing with my predicament anyways and deep down I don't think I really want to shut people out. Like I said I do enjoy talking to others but I'm just frustrated with all of the baggage that comes with it. I think I need to find people I can talk to without feeling like I have to put on a song and dance for them or else they get mad at me, which feels like it's easier said than done.
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