Excerpt from my dairy, from July 12th:

I’m starting to think that Birthdays are not for the person that’s turning one year older but for everyone else around them. Go spend time with other people at their convenance. Smile for the camera! Look excited when you’re opening presents but not like that, not the way look naturally look when you’re excited you must put on a show for everyone. I’m just tired of celebrating my birthday if this is all it’s ever going to be for the rest of my life just a series of stressful social situations that I must attend and preform for. It can’t even be isolated to just one day it’s multiple days. Spend time with different parts of my family when for some of them I only see a couple of times a year. I just want to be alone with [my headmate]. What a horrible way to feel about something meant to be a fun celebration. I should’ve just gone to work this weekend.

I think every year I have a Very Dramatic entry about my birthday since it’s only been a couple of years since my really shitty streak of birthdays ended. I also think growing up with a toxic extended family, at least on one side but that was the side I ended up spending more time with, also fried my expectations for what a good™️ birthday celebration should look like. It doesn’t help that I’m still going through it¹ right now but maybe one day I’ll have a good birthday and I won’t write another one of these posts. I’m looking forward to it.